butterfly collector
tweaking again total damnation slaughter house + movie reviews
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i couldn’t remember my dreams properly the past days because of tweaking.. so just a few short excerpts from my notes (very meh).
i. he was a killer of some sort.. he had long emo hair like of like L from death note (lol). there was a bandaid on his nose bridge too.. people were running hysterically and chasing. a big part of it was ‘Bucket on head’ - once the bucket is on your head, the walls around you are pure red, in order to stop him i had to try and put a bucket on his head. for some reason that would stop him. the setting was quite strange and eerie, a classroom but more like a portable- i could see outside the window and it felt like we were highly elevated- could only see the dark night sky with stars scattered everywhere. i jumped on one of the desks and got a bucket onto his head by climbing onto his shoulders. he grabbed me off by my back and slammed me onto the desk. it felt like my back broke… he quickly pivoted to trying to get another person attempting to stop him away.. but he got away, and i went outside. the outside was so dark, and looked like Gotham city. but we (i was with another person, can’t remember who) went deep into it and found a massive semi frozen lake, the area was so grey and foggy but magical. he began swimming in it, but i just watched.
ii. all i can remember is that i was carrying around a cyclops plushie, and some people wouldn’t let me in their van to a trip. Dirty pillow cases, and i needed water really badly. that’s all i wrote.
iii. horrific tsunami on the beach, i was running for life with my dad. the water was so close that it was touching our legs and quickly was around our bodies- almost making us drown. we had to keep plugging our noses during every big wave, but we kept running. eventually got to a safer place, but my dad left to some bunker without me, and i had to stay back with some other people my age sitting on these elevated stoops. literally just extremely tall, small metal stoops that basically looked like sewing needles but extremely enlarged. the part you sit on was only enough space for your butt. so imagine sitting on there for a long period of time, you can’t change position or you will fall off.
iv. big dark school.. i recorded a cute blimp, there was a McDonald’s ad being projected into the dark sky.. but there were crazy coloured clouds like highly saturated pink and orange- teal.. and then big globs of a black ink looking material falling from those clouds… almost like lava lamp globs. it was so beautiful i wish i could’ve recorded. there were big stars and fireworks going off… as this was happening, i was walking to the gas station by the school. i remember, everyone was wearing these cute black drainercore esque uniforms lol.
v. i was walking through a massive historic model house / mall. there was gorgeous vintage furniture and fixtures, shops… it went underground like a massive maze. as i kept exploring there were a bunch of beautiful women showering, doing their makeup, or using the big pastel bathtubs … all the mirrors were fogged up. i was exploring all the shops. i forgot everything.
grimes book 1 leaked and i am listening to it.. it’s so good.
dramatic - sun jan 26th
i am so easily disgusted and repulsed by things, people, etc.. it’s funny… and so much stuff wrong happened lately it’s hurting. really trivial earthly stuff, bank card got fucked, because of that now i can’t log into another important government website since it’s my old card on file (i got a new one obviously).
at the end of the finish line for moving but of course they won’t answer my emails or calls to schedule the elevator, and without scheduling that can’t schedule the truck or new purchases. KILL ME! and now currently tweaking because someone gave us cardboard boxes with either fly shells or mouse droppings on them (we didn’t put anything inside but still). i don’t want it to be EITHER of those! had to sweep and swiffer the floor but of course it’s still bothering me, feel tainted. just kill me! and i’m on my period on top of it all…. pain, depression, anxiety, i want to die right now… and i have to try and keep composure because so many people around… i just want to hide.
monday january 27th
8pm update, tweaking again total damnation slaughter house, intrusive thoughts eating me alive and can’t even cry because legit no privacy ♡ . 6 more days… more shit happening that is just too much / too embarrassing gutting to type
11pm not fit for life…. so many sounds no privacy no quiet but i cant turn my headphones up bc sensitive ears… suicidal!
tuesday january 28th
couldn’t sleep properly last night.. psychic damage and turmoil.. is someone hexxing me or am i dramatic literally how is much shit going WRONG and i feel like shit i’m tweaking genuinely.
pirated babygirl and sorry but i had to… its genuinely absolutely not that serious but first thing i thought of.. i’m dead. anywho i wouldn’t say i recommend this movie despite the fact i enjoyed it and it was a fun watch. there’s obviously better movies with such subject matter but okay..,.... i like nicole kidman.
some things i liked about it : the awkwardness of it, dirty motel, licking milk from a saucer like a cat, those little strawberry candies being eaten out of the hand, rave scene
some things i didn’t like about it: adultery (was needed for this story to mean anything though), discussions about girlboss climate felt too on the nose but i think i understood what they were trying to imply..
let ladies be genuinely disgustingly weird demented shameful antisocial and disturbing! this is a copium statement because i’m feeling weird and keep getting transported back to being the weird sad girl in class n sitting alone in library at lunch. i’m a woman now and still feeling like it.. triggered by certain situations.. i talked to 2 about it, one that related and one that didn’t- and felt slightly better though.
i finished the collector finally after reading the book a bit ago which i talked about in a previous blog. i had started the movie immediately after the book but it was another one which i had let rot in my opened tabs. (i did this with the house that jack built well i’ll talk about it later). anyway, it was a visually beautiful film, the acting was good as well.. it didn’t go all the way in my opinion, and it obviously inserted a few things to make people in 60s go watch it… it was still a good film though, but it’s not exactly how i was picturing things in my head while reading of course.. which is a common issue when adapting books right.. but nevertheless it was nice and had some interesting moments— i gave it a 3 i think on letterboxd (that’s honestly kind of harsh for what i’d usually vote idk, maybe it’s a 3.5).
what i liked: all the butterflies, the gorgeous vintage house and bathtub, actress was beautiful
what i didn’t like: didn’t go hard enough, too surface level and they tried to make it sexy without committing to anything
okay i rewatched / also finished the house that jack built.. i paused on watching this movie for a while because although i liked it a little, it felt too bleak (stopped around pictured image). however i finally finished and i’m so glad i did.. it was a good movie.
i guess there’s something to say about the themes and subjects people who make art depict and engage in. does it reflect something about us or is it just telling a story .. i don’t really know.. i see a lot of jokes online about peoples art usually just being a thinly veiled product of the artists’ ‘fetish’. probably true… is that so bad anyway
update: i had a dream the day after the movie
i’m craving chocolate milk. just 5 more days until... i want to make a ice cream float in coke while looking outside at all of the city lights
piercing (2018)
i loved this MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! drinking hot chocolate as i just finished this movie. a.. seemingly schizophrenic, ocd, generally fucked up individual calls a prostitute (to kill her…) and it doesn’t go according to plan. let me just say, i loved how this movie is filmed and the beautiful shots along with the amazing sound design… but most of all i LOVED the (prostitute) aka jackie. i found it cute how they let us know little things about her.. she likes putting milk AND condensed milk inside of her instant-soup to bring out the sweetness of the curry powder she puts into it, she collects chinese foot binding shoes, she only spends money on her apartment .. she likes to buy clothing pieces slowly to build her wardrobe, it seems she’s a masochist above all..
it’s based off a graphic novel by ryu murakami, whom is also the author for ‘audition’. i gave it 5 stars on letterboxd… it was so funny because i logged it and then went to go read some other reviews to see what people said and got jump scared by so many 1 and 2 stars reviews… so many movies i like the reviews are shit…
very well.. i did love the ending, i didn’t expect it to end this way but i did like it.. there’s some questions i have which would probably be answered by checking out the novel ….. but no time ..
jackie said this in the car: “Look at your face, you’re the most adorable thing i’ve ever seen. I just want to hit you, not just like a little slap on the cheek— I want to hit you with my fist as hard as I can…. please stay with me forever? No matter what. I wanna watch you sleep.”
2 more days… i can’t get out of here fast enough… i miss making my big nearly raw steak and pile of rice… eating two donuts after dinner.. making bacon.. chocolate milk… runny eggs… raw red onions filling my sandwiches… i’m drooling i want to die right now. i’m cold, i genuinely can’t eat here.. so much so that i’ve lost weight. which i’ve only been when i had the flu for a week. my muscles are weak as usual, ankles sore.. gremlin, period eating me up. total death.
i didn’t realize food was such a sensitivity or something for me, i really can’t eat that food, i don’t want it. it’s embarrassing and childish but i don’t make a fuss i just don’t eat it. tomorrow i’m going to order burger .. i’m excited.. i hope it arrives warm…
update: it didn’t
rewatched poor things
fun
well, tomorrow i’ll be gone.. won’t have much internet either until they come to set it up so i’m going to end this blog post right here and i’ll be back once i’m free and happier in a safe space (i’m not in an unsafe place, i’m just retarded). with fruitful dreams and pleasant experiences (hopeful) ♡